Discipline Your Children with Love

²⁴ He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him. PROVERBS 13

Some parents punish their children with severe beating, even to death. That is not disciplining; its’s homicide. What does careful to discipline in Proverbs 13:24 mean? You make sure your motive is to instill love, not fear. You do not beat your child when you are angry. Anger directed at any human being is not of God. Before beating or scolding him, determine whether he deserves it. Investigate what it is that he did wrong. Then dialogue with him. Hear his side. He has the right to be heard. If he did something wrong, do your best to explain in clear and simple terms what it is that he did wrong; why he must not do it again; and how he must respond to a similar situation next time. Now, you cannot observe these things sensibly if you are angry. 

Do not beat or scold your child for doing something that he does not know is wrong:

§    Because it’s unfair to him. If he does not know it’s wrong, then you committed a sin of omission. It’s your fault, not his.

§    Because his mind would be confused. He might end up believing a parent is licensed to beat or scold his child for no good reason. Or that beating or scolding is the only way to discipline people.  

§    Because he might be fearful to take the initiative and become indecisive every time he is faced with a situation. Then he would grow to be a follower, not a leader.

§    Because your parent-child relationship might be gravely wounded or permanently impaired.

Your God-given authority comes with the responsibility to teach. Be a teacher first and a child-beater later. This is how the kingdom of God deals with all of us. Listen.

⁶ We will be ready to punish every act of disobedience, once your obedience is complete. 2 CORINTHIANS 10

²² If I had not come and spoken to them, they would not be guilty of sin. Now, however, they have no excuse for their sin. JOHN 15

Keep in mind that no child becomes tender by beating no matter how hard you do it, or by scolding no matter how loud or often you do it. Only by soaking him in love can he be tender. This is how he learns to love and be loved. The process requires a great deal of love, patience and gentleness on your part.

¹⁹ My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. JAMES 1

⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. PHILIPPIANS 4

Next time your child commits an offense or seems to have committed one, tame your temper. Do not let anger overcome you. Compose in your mind what to say to him and how to say it. Then find an opportune moment for a private talk with him. The opportune moment is when his mind is receptive to your words. Say your piece briefly because the mind of a child can only absorb so much in one sitting.

Fr. Shay Cullen wrote in his column Reflections:

From 35 years experience helping young people overcome the traumatic effects of childhood violence, be it psychological, verbal, physical, economic, military, emotional and sexual abuse, I can say that violence seriously damages lives, restricts full human development, reduces potential and can lead to childhood psychosomatic illness. It causes teenagers to become violent bullies, teenage shooters, indulge in criminal behavior, and suffer from adult neurosis. In others, children grow into aggressive and violent adults. The absence of parental and family acceptance, understanding, nurturing, and affirming love creates a vacuum and vulnerability for negative and violent influences to dominate the lives of children and youth.

Any form of childhood abuse can lead to deep, buried pain, frustration, unfulfilled desires and longing, and proneness to anger and hostility. Unfulfilled desires for justice can breed rebellious and antisocial resentment and behavior; a desire to retaliate at parents, family, society, and authority figures will be strong. This leads to a vulnerability to recruitment into violent youth gangs with criminal violent behavior. In extreme forms this buried anger and frustration makes young people give up hope of change and they despair. They lose any hope of a better future and suicide is frequently seen as a way out. Fanatical extremists prey on these vulnerable youth; they are the ideal recruits for terrorist organizations and easily convinced to be a suicide bomber.

History has given the world many war criminals, cruel vindictive leaders, political demons and cruel dictators, torturers and tyrants, mass murderers and genocidal killers. Childhood neglect, abuse and violent upbringings create the personality that can become tyrant, genocidal killer and psychopath. These are the people who have caused wars, atrocities and mass murder.

…Violence leads to more violence. The abuse and neglect of children and treating them as the objects of punishment and violence and rejection by society is sowing the seeds of violence and rebellions and terrorism. (Manila Times Online, Nov. 25, 2007)

When to use the rod?

§      Do it when your child tries to compound his wrong by lying or by covering it with another wrong. 

§      Do it when he becomes a recidivist offender.

³ A whip for the horse, the halter for the donkey, and the rod for the backs of fools! PROVERBS 26

§      Do it in his tender years.

⁷ A man who coddles [spoils] his son will bandage his wounds. ECCLESIASTICUS 30

¹³ Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. ¹⁴ Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death. PROVERBS 23

¹⁸ Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death. PROVERBS 19

After you discipline your child, reaffirm your love for him.

⁷ You ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. 2 CORINTHIANS 2

Be God’s Abraham to your children. Set worthy examples to them.

¹⁹ I have chosen him, so that he will direct his children and his household after him to keep the way of the Lord by doing what is right and just, so that the Lord will bring about for Abraham what He has promised him. GENESIS 18

Fix Your Parenting Deficiencies

Now, you cannot teach what you do not know. To be an effective teacher, put in extra effort to know and understand what to teach and how to teach. Read books about parenting, confer with other parents, attend parenting classes, join parenting clubs. Learn about holiness, discipline and wisdom. Make the Word of God your primary source of instruction and your daily experiences, your secondary source. 

Be honest about your parenting deficiencies. The first step in problem-solving is problem-recognition and admission. Go and present yourself to a man of God and confess your deficiencies to him, so you can be helped. Let him minister to you without delay—both to you and your children.